JC's Jokes Page

What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
You take him for a drag.

What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.

What do you call a garbage man with no nose?

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hot tub?

Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One is an ugly, scum-sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How is a lawyer like a sperm cell?
They both have one chance in a million of becoming a human being.

Why does a blonde have T.G.I.F. stenciled on her shoes?
Toes Go In First.

What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A shopping cart has a mind of its own.

What would Elvis be doing if he were alive today?
Scratching the hell out of the top of his coffin!

Why can't Helen Keller have babies?
She's dead!

What do you get when you cross an Elephant and a Rhinoceros?

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between dancing and pea-green paint?
You can learn to dance.

What does a 2000-pound canary say?
(in a deep voice) "Here... kitty, kitty, kitty..."

Did you hear about the new Divorced Barbie?
She comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Did you hear about the new restaurant on the Moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.

What is green, has six legs, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
A billiard table.

"Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!"
"Tell him I can't see him!"

"Nurse, how's that boy who swallowed the quarter?"
"No change yet, Doctor."

"Waiter, why is my food so messed up?"
"You said to step on it, Sir."

Did you hear about the guy who won the Polish lottery?
He got a dollar a year for a million years.

Did you hear about the Lebanese beauty contest?
Nobody won.

Have you heard about the new Russian Express card?
Their motto is "Don't Leave Home."

How do you fit 500 Vietnamese into a matchbox?
Tell them it floats.

What three words does a Jewish American Princess never hear?
"Attention, Kmart Shoppers."

Did you hear about the two Newfies that were out hunting for bear?
They came to a fork in the road.  The sign said "Bear Left", so they went home.

(A Newfie is a person from Newfoundland.  They have a reputation for being rather naive.)

Did you hear about the Newfie family that died at the drive-in theatre?
They went to see "Closed For The Winter".

What are a redneck's last words?
"Hey, y'all! Watch this!"

A grasshopper goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender gives him the beer, and being somewhat intrigued at having a grasshopper visit his bar, decides to start a conversation.
"You know," he says, "we have a drink named after you."
"You do?" responds the grasshopper.  "Ralph???"

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Give me some chap stick."
The pharmacist says, "OK, that will be a nickel."
The duck says, "Just put it on my bill."

A duck walks into a pharmacy and asks for a condom.
The pharmacist says, "Do you want me to put it on your bill?"
Wide-eyed, the duck responds, "Just what kind of a duck do you think I am?!?"

A duck walks into a pharmacy and says, "You got any duck food?"
"No," says the pharmacist, "we don't sell duck food." The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day and says, "You got any duck food?"
"No," says the pharmacist with a frown, "This is a pharmacy.  We don't sell duck food." The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day.  "You got any duck food?"
"Look," yells the pharmacist.  "This a pharmacy! We don't sell duck food! We sell medicine! If you come in here tomorrow and ask for duck food, I'm going to nail your little, yellow, webbed feet to the floor!" The duck leaves.
The duck comes back the next day.  The pharmacist is bristling.  The duck asks timidly, "You got any nails?"
"No," screams the pharmacist.  "This is a pharmacy! We do not sell nails!"
"Good!  You got any duck food?" says the duck.

What's the difference between a user and a dog?
You can train a dog not to whine.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do the letters A.D.D. stand for?
Dyslexics Agains Drugs.

What is their motto?
Just Say On.

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?
Slap her!

Do you know how to drive your wife crazy when you're having sex?
Call her up and tell her what you're doing.

Confucius say: Married man can change jobs many times, but still have same boss.

Why does it take a million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one of them will stop to ask directions.

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